It was the first and only thought or feeling China was cognisant of. And it wasn't a... feeling, exactly. It couldn't be, when she couldn't feel anything. Nothing pressed in on her, nothing grabbed her attention, nothing needed her immediate opinion. There was simply nothing.
How could there be nothing?
A memory rose up from somewhere, then fell away just as quickly. China didn't try to make a grab for it. The peace, she found with a start, was preferable. She didn't want to know what had happened to her. She didn't want to become more cognisant of anything but the scattered thoughts in her own head. Because those thoughts were frighteningly fragile and if even the slightest true feeling came down on them, they would break - break into pieces so small China didn't think even she would be able to put them back together.
China had never understood the peace of sleep. She'd never had a need for it. She slept because she needed to and was otherwise working in some way. Sleep was a distraction.
She'd never realised quite how peace enveloped you like a blanket.
It felt like a lifetime, longer even than being trapped in that... thing, but it couldn't have been. Maybe a few hours? Days? Even weeks wouldn't really be stretching it. So when China opened her eyes to see the exact same sight she'd walked in on, the flash of surprise was able to hold off the crash of memories for a few moments longer. But then there was nothing holding the dam back and China couldn't quite stifle a cry of pain as her own mind - her own mind, some distant part of her marveled in disbelief - overwhelmed her.
It was surprisingly easy not to think, for someone who'd never stopped thinking and calculating in their life. Lock the thoughts away from herself, keep them safe from the sea of emotion she was drowning in. So much water. So much. A leak sprung and China lifted her hand to her eyes, only mildly startled when it came away wet.
But it made sense, of course. A leak had sprung. It wasn't weakness, it was just... it was just too much.
Was she supposed to be embarrassed?
Some of them were looking at her now. What they expected was a complete mystery, a new enough sensation that China had no idea how to react. She couldn't meet their eyes. On top of everything else, there was suddenly an absurd amount of what felt suspiciously like guilt piling in on her. Guilt over... what? Over whatever caused the pain? Over whatever broke her thoughts? It must have been. It must have...
... Gabriel.
China's head sunk into her arms. Residual throbbing attacked her temples and the single word almost seemed to burrow into her skull. She swallowed hard, tried to beat back the pain, but for once - for once - she didn't succeed. She couldn't. There was no possible way to deny the existence of something she'd just seen with her own... what? Being? Mind?
It didn't matter. Her own life didn't belong to her.
She should probably try to say something, but strangely enough, China didn't feel the need. Maybe it was because she didn't trust her voice not to crack under the weight of the water. Maybe it was because there wasn't anything to say. Maybe it was because she suddenly and violently cared about what the others thought of her and what she'd done. The comforting feel of her magic was gone, the magic that guaranteed she would never have to worry about the impressions of others. She'd never realized just how much of a comfort it was, how much she took it for granted. She'd always viewed it as a tool to get her what she wanted.
But China didn't traditionally mourn the loss of tools.
After a moment, when she opened her mouth to speak, her voice was completely flat - a jolt to everyone there, who'd never heard her speak with anything less than precise passion. And it did crack. There wasn't anything to say, but there was one lingering question.
"Was that...?"
As it turned out, not even a question she could finish. She couldn't finish it in her own mind - what on earth made her think she could out loud?
But if it was - if the immense presence she'd all but blocked from her mind completely really was, then....
How China wasn't completely shattered, even she didn't know.
no subject
It was the first and only thought or feeling China was cognisant of. And it wasn't a... feeling, exactly. It couldn't be, when she couldn't feel anything. Nothing pressed in on her, nothing grabbed her attention, nothing needed her immediate opinion. There was simply nothing.
How could there be nothing?
A memory rose up from somewhere, then fell away just as quickly. China didn't try to make a grab for it. The peace, she found with a start, was preferable. She didn't want to know what had happened to her. She didn't want to become more cognisant of anything but the scattered thoughts in her own head. Because those thoughts were frighteningly fragile and if even the slightest true feeling came down on them, they would break - break into pieces so small China didn't think even she would be able to put them back together.
China had never understood the peace of sleep. She'd never had a need for it. She slept because she needed to and was otherwise working in some way. Sleep was a distraction.
She'd never realised quite how peace enveloped you like a blanket.
It felt like a lifetime, longer even than being trapped in that... thing, but it couldn't have been. Maybe a few hours? Days? Even weeks wouldn't really be stretching it. So when China opened her eyes to see the exact same sight she'd walked in on, the flash of surprise was able to hold off the crash of memories for a few moments longer. But then there was nothing holding the dam back and China couldn't quite stifle a cry of pain as her own mind - her own mind, some distant part of her marveled in disbelief - overwhelmed her.
It was surprisingly easy not to think, for someone who'd never stopped thinking and calculating in their life. Lock the thoughts away from herself, keep them safe from the sea of emotion she was drowning in. So much water. So much. A leak sprung and China lifted her hand to her eyes, only mildly startled when it came away wet.
But it made sense, of course. A leak had sprung. It wasn't weakness, it was just... it was just too much.
Was she supposed to be embarrassed?
Some of them were looking at her now. What they expected was a complete mystery, a new enough sensation that China had no idea how to react. She couldn't meet their eyes. On top of everything else, there was suddenly an absurd amount of what felt suspiciously like guilt piling in on her. Guilt over... what? Over whatever caused the pain? Over whatever broke her thoughts? It must have been. It must have...
... Gabriel.
China's head sunk into her arms. Residual throbbing attacked her temples and the single word almost seemed to burrow into her skull. She swallowed hard, tried to beat back the pain, but for once - for once - she didn't succeed. She couldn't. There was no possible way to deny the existence of something she'd just seen with her own... what? Being? Mind?
It didn't matter. Her own life didn't belong to her.
She should probably try to say something, but strangely enough, China didn't feel the need. Maybe it was because she didn't trust her voice not to crack under the weight of the water. Maybe it was because there wasn't anything to say. Maybe it was because she suddenly and violently cared about what the others thought of her and what she'd done. The comforting feel of her magic was gone, the magic that guaranteed she would never have to worry about the impressions of others. She'd never realized just how much of a comfort it was, how much she took it for granted. She'd always viewed it as a tool to get her what she wanted.
But China didn't traditionally mourn the loss of tools.
After a moment, when she opened her mouth to speak, her voice was completely flat - a jolt to everyone there, who'd never heard her speak with anything less than precise passion. And it did crack. There wasn't anything to say, but there was one lingering question.
"Was that...?"
As it turned out, not even a question she could finish. She couldn't finish it in her own mind - what on earth made her think she could out loud?
But if it was - if the immense presence she'd all but blocked from her mind completely really was, then....
How China wasn't completely shattered, even she didn't know.