It wasn't as if Skulduggery had never wished before that he could have a moment's peace from the anger. Sometimes he wished idly, knowing there was never going to be a way to realise that wish, or to change who he was. Sometimes he sat alone and did much more than just wish. And even more occasionally - in fact, only once - he'd tried to change that himself, with disastrous results. Skulduggery was, after all, only human. Natural, to wish for things he could never have. To hope for eventual possibilities far out of his reach.
But Skulduggery had taught himself to take that for what it was. And what it was... it was a burden he couldn't rid himself of, because in lieu of any real form of punishment, it was all Skulduggery had. A constant reminder of where he'd gone wrong. Take that away - replace it with something good - and what was left?
It was bad enough that he already knew the answer to that. For a few glorious minutes in the church, when Skulduggery was drained of everything and Gabriel was the only thing left keeping him anchored, Skulduggery had a taste of what life used to be like. Peacefully empty. Like sitting at the edge of a lake in the early hours of the morning, a fishing pole in his hands and the tackle beside him, nothing to occupy him but his own placid thoughts. And as glorious as that had been, the relief it would bring Skulduggery now could only ever be short-lived.
If and when Gabriel's offer ever happened, Skulduggery wanted there to be something left over. Something he could be proud of, in those early morning moments full of placid thoughts. This, what Landel had done and what they were discussing right at this very moment... this wasn't it.
He shook his head. "Reward me, you mean? No."
"No?" Ghastly laid his hands flat on his knees and leaned forward, as if he'd been planning on getting up, and then thought better of it without quite taking the time to relax again. "This isn't about some punishment, Skulduggery. This isn't about how you feel. It's about Vile. If it's really that easy for you to shift again-"
"It always has been." Skulduggery cut across Ghastly's words quietly, but effectively. "Landel didn't create anything new. He never did. He enhanced what was already there. I could become Vile again right now, just like that, and that's always been the case. What stops me is that I don't want to."
"All the more reason-"
"The darkness is there, Ghastly. What I did before won't change. The people I killed won't come back. The fact that I get angry when I watch people I love getting hurt isn't ever going to change. My control over myself, that's forever changing. That's what matters now. What control am I going to have if there's nothing reminding me of the consequences? Nothing to struggle against? I've been handling this rather spectacularly for the last century. Please, give me a little more credit than that."
Ghastly didn't answer. He sank slowly back into the cushions, unable to hide a scowl, but without any further objections.
no subject
But Skulduggery had taught himself to take that for what it was. And what it was... it was a burden he couldn't rid himself of, because in lieu of any real form of punishment, it was all Skulduggery had. A constant reminder of where he'd gone wrong. Take that away - replace it with something good - and what was left?
It was bad enough that he already knew the answer to that. For a few glorious minutes in the church, when Skulduggery was drained of everything and Gabriel was the only thing left keeping him anchored, Skulduggery had a taste of what life used to be like. Peacefully empty. Like sitting at the edge of a lake in the early hours of the morning, a fishing pole in his hands and the tackle beside him, nothing to occupy him but his own placid thoughts. And as glorious as that had been, the relief it would bring Skulduggery now could only ever be short-lived.
If and when Gabriel's offer ever happened, Skulduggery wanted there to be something left over. Something he could be proud of, in those early morning moments full of placid thoughts. This, what Landel had done and what they were discussing right at this very moment... this wasn't it.
He shook his head. "Reward me, you mean? No."
"No?" Ghastly laid his hands flat on his knees and leaned forward, as if he'd been planning on getting up, and then thought better of it without quite taking the time to relax again. "This isn't about some punishment, Skulduggery. This isn't about how you feel. It's about Vile. If it's really that easy for you to shift again-"
"It always has been." Skulduggery cut across Ghastly's words quietly, but effectively. "Landel didn't create anything new. He never did. He enhanced what was already there. I could become Vile again right now, just like that, and that's always been the case. What stops me is that I don't want to."
"All the more reason-"
"The darkness is there, Ghastly. What I did before won't change. The people I killed won't come back. The fact that I get angry when I watch people I love getting hurt isn't ever going to change. My control over myself, that's forever changing. That's what matters now. What control am I going to have if there's nothing reminding me of the consequences? Nothing to struggle against? I've been handling this rather spectacularly for the last century. Please, give me a little more credit than that."
Ghastly didn't answer. He sank slowly back into the cushions, unable to hide a scowl, but without any further objections.