"There wasn't anything there which made it worth me staying," Saffron said numbly. "I'm just a healer. Even the Temple has uses for healers every now and then. But the Temple's ultimate goal is the Passage. I can't contribute to that. I'm not strong enough mentally or magically."
The Temple had a few healers. It didn't actively murder its members, because there was no point in that, but those who served very little purpose were ground under the feet of the rest. There was no point in helping the weak only to be dragged down. Saffron was weak and she knew that. At the Temple, she couldn't help herself. Maybe out here, she could.
Maybe out here, she didn't need to.
Fellow refugees instead of people beneath her. No one was beneath her. She was at the bottom of the Temple rung, bowing before someone she'd been taught all her life was at least still under her feet, and discovering that he had more worth than she did. A mortal. How could she sneer at other women, knowing she was already lower than the dirt she'd been taught mortals were?
Not the only one displaced and wondering what on Earth to do next. Not alone in her feelings and fears. That--sounded nice.
Her fists convulsed and then released her robe. In the slow manner of someone expecting to be rejected she lifted her arms to wrap them around Paddy Steadfast. She only meant it as a test, fully expecting the priest to pull away, fully expecting it to feel too awkward to continue. Instead the rawness in her chest surged upward, filling her throat and making her face and eyes burn, and she found herself clutching him tightly.
"Okay." Her voice came out strangled and breaking. She was very tired of having to fight just to pretend she wasn't weak. For once she was being offered the chance to be weak in a place where everyone else was too, where she wouldn't be mocked for it, and even if it meant she was giving up she didn't care.
She didn't let go of Paddy, either, for as long as he didn't let go of her. Not until the tears and the pounding heat in her head had eased, until she could pull away and wipe her face, sniffing and too miserable to even feel embarrassed about the wet patch she'd left on his shoulder.
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The Temple had a few healers. It didn't actively murder its members, because there was no point in that, but those who served very little purpose were ground under the feet of the rest. There was no point in helping the weak only to be dragged down. Saffron was weak and she knew that. At the Temple, she couldn't help herself. Maybe out here, she could.
Maybe out here, she didn't need to.
Fellow refugees instead of people beneath her. No one was beneath her. She was at the bottom of the Temple rung, bowing before someone she'd been taught all her life was at least still under her feet, and discovering that he had more worth than she did. A mortal. How could she sneer at other women, knowing she was already lower than the dirt she'd been taught mortals were?
Not the only one displaced and wondering what on Earth to do next. Not alone in her feelings and fears. That--sounded nice.
Her fists convulsed and then released her robe. In the slow manner of someone expecting to be rejected she lifted her arms to wrap them around Paddy Steadfast. She only meant it as a test, fully expecting the priest to pull away, fully expecting it to feel too awkward to continue. Instead the rawness in her chest surged upward, filling her throat and making her face and eyes burn, and she found herself clutching him tightly.
"Okay." Her voice came out strangled and breaking. She was very tired of having to fight just to pretend she wasn't weak. For once she was being offered the chance to be weak in a place where everyone else was too, where she wouldn't be mocked for it, and even if it meant she was giving up she didn't care.
She didn't let go of Paddy, either, for as long as he didn't let go of her. Not until the tears and the pounding heat in her head had eased, until she could pull away and wipe her face, sniffing and too miserable to even feel embarrassed about the wet patch she'd left on his shoulder.